This post will be an overload of pictures, I have not posted pics in a while so here goes...
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The battle of infertility causes so many different emotions within a person, it causes someone to be angry, sad, disappointed, anxcious etc. We feel angry that others can get pregnant just by thinking about it yet we struggle to understand why our bodies are not working. At what point does it become to much, at what point does the disappointment become too much to handle. People have told me that God will not give me more then I can handle, but how come I feel that I can not handle the disappointment anymore. I am so thrilled that others are getting their families, through adoption or pregnancy, but I am still hurting that they are getting what I want so deeply. I know that I already have a child, and I love him more then life itself, I know that some of my readers will say “you should be greatful that you have one” I am extremely greatful that I have my Ethan, but I so want another baby. I will continue to fight my fight in silence (except on here I can talk about it)
I am 5dpo today and holy emotional, I am not sure why I am so emotional. I am not sure what is going on. I am so greatful for everything that I have but I find myself struggling to get through my day today, maybe knowing that I am going to be starting AF in 10 days makes me really sad. I am not sure exactly. The husband and I have been making leaps and bounds as far as our marriage goes, we have been talking more and spending time with each other, we have been reading the Love Dare which is really opening things up for us, communication wise, although I am beginning to wonder if it is just a phase and I wonder if he is getting as much out of it as I am. We are currently on Day 5 (we have had a few days when life gets in the way) I really hope that we can make things better.
We have a meeting on Tuesday with our new churches pastor, I am very excited about this. It has been way to long since I have felt welcome in a church, I am very excited to become a member of this church. Well I guess that’s it for now…
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Sunday was very uneventful, and honestly it was a time to reflect and try and deal with everything that was happening, it seemed as though Grandpa would never be allowed to rest. At this point, Grandpa’s family, My Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and my Parents and us were not going to be allowed to attend the services, threats of being hauled away by the sheriff if we try to attend. I contacted the Pastor of a church that I attend occasionally, and explained to him the situation and we had planned on having a memorial service for Grandpa on our own, the out of state family made arrangements to travel to colorado. The fighting over belonging started and stopped throughout the week as at this point the only thign anybody really wanted was to be allowed to go to the services. On Tuesday we received word from Bettys daughter that our family would be allowed to attend the services on Saturday. Family started to arrive on Thursday afternoon.
Amazingly Saturday went on without any major problems, Here is what I noticed, Betty’s daughter, Kathy (she hated my grandfather with a passion) she was in tears, and making a very large show.
My Grandfathers family was scowled at and we all felt very unwelcome
Grandpa’s ashes were not there
The Pastor that perfromed the service read the Obituary directly from the paper and then gave a serman about being forgiving.
My Grandfathers Burial Flag was not folded properly I refolded that at the end of the service along with my brother in law. Not for Betty but out of respect for my grandfather.
Easter Sunday was a very good day, this is the first holiday that our whole family has been together, mind you we wish that it could have been on better terms but we were still greatful that we got to be together to celebrate Easter and the life of one the greatest men I have ever known.
Sunday night is when things got a little rough, everyone was really upset that Betty was not giving anything of Grandpas to his daughters. Grandpa was restoring an old Ford Bronco for my Aunt Dawn, and spent a lot of money doing so. My parents being that they are the only local family, got elected to fight Betty for the Bronco, My grandpa gave my parents the title to the Bronco so at least they had that, they got the Title into my dads name and went to the court house to have papers drawn up so that they could get the Bronco. Betty was served on a Thursday and on Friday she went to the court and filed for a restraining order againist my mom, saying that my mom attacked her the day after grandpa died, why did she wait almost 2 weeks to file. The court date for the Restraining order is June 6. I will keep you updated on that as things happen.
Friday, May 20, 2011
April 15, 2011 10:30pm If you know my dad he is a retired firefighter, and after 45 years of being required to listen to a pager and scanner 24 hours a day 7 days a week he stills listens to it and he has been retired for 2 years now. I decided to stay the night at my parents house, we were going to a craft fair on the 16th, just us, Ethan was going to stay with papa. At 10:30 I heard the scanner page for a medical call, but I pain no mind to it, after all it was not anyone I knew. I was so wrong in that statement. A few minutes later my mom came in and told me the call was at Grandpas house and that he had a heart attack. I got up and my mom and I sat listening glued to every word that was said on the scanner, dad got in the car and had gone out there as soon as he heard the call. Pretty soon, we hear them asking for flight for life, my moms phone rings and it was my dad, he is not good he says it was a stroke not a heart attack. It doesn’t look good he says. Betty- my grandmother came to our house to pick up my mom so that they could drive to the hospital that convientently was less then 5 minutes from my home, it is were I had Ethan. Almost a 45 minutes drive from my parents, one of the leading stroke hospitals in
. Anyway, I tried to reach the hubby and his phone was turned off, so I called the Police department and had them go and knock on our door because I was really going to need his support for this. I got home and put Ethan in his bed, and kissed him on the head and told him how much I loved him and off to the hospital I went, where the events of the next 5 hours would change my life forever. colorado
When I got to the hospital Mom, Dad, Betty were in the waiting room waiting to be allowed to see him. I had been there about 15 minutes when the nurse allowed my mom and Betty to go back there. My dad and I talked and he said that based on his experience it would be a miracle if grandpa pulled through this- (My grandpa has pulled out of some rough stuff before)About 5 minutes later my mom came up and told us that the nurses would allow all of us to be in the room, at that point I started to realize that I was going to be saying goodbye to my hero. ( I will tell that story someday) When we walked into the room it was such an
feeling. The doctor came in and told us that Grandpa had a massive stroke and the blockage was so large that it caused the artery in his brain to “burst” doc expalined that there was really no chance of survival and that if my some miracle he did survive he would not be able to talk, walk or do anything for himself. My grandpa was a proud man and he would not have been able to live like that. The doctor told us that we would have to make the hardest choice, keep him alive on machines or let him go. I made the phone call to my sister at about 1:30 am telling her she needed to get to the hospital asap, she lives an hour away. During this time the choice had been made to remove life support, For the next hour we were able to talk to him and hold his hand and say good bye. Up until about 2:30 his heart rate would spike when we talked to him, but it leveled out around 2:30 and never spiked again. My sister arrivied at 2:45 and came in and said her goodbyes, At 3:00 am surrounded by my mom, myself, my sister and Betty, Life supporting maesures were removed. That was the longest 27 minutes of my life. Something that I wish I would not have seen, but at the same time I am greatful that he was surrounded by people who loved him. We stayed with him for a little while and I said a prayer for him. I felt like I was abandoning him when we left him. I went home as did my parents, sleep was impossible. erie
This is where the story gets interesting a turn in events. Betty got an appointment with the funeral home at 2:30pm on the 16th the sameday that he had passed. My parents told Betty that they would pick her up at 1:30. Now you have to understand that Betty was not always the nicest person to my mom or any of her sisters, and honestly a lot of things have come out of the wood work since grandpa has been gone about how evil she really was. My parents arrivied to pick her up and were discussing options etc, Now there are 2 daughters of my grandfather that live in California, the big argument all morning had been what to do with grandpa, cremation or burial. Also as to what day to have the services, The Daughters in CA were not going to be able to get here before Thursday so the hope was to have the services on Sunday. The 3 daughters wanted him buried while Betty wanted him cremated anyway… Betty and mom were discussing this when my mom made the comment, that she didn’t care as far as his remains, but would really like to have the services on Saturday so that her sisters could make it. At this point betty went crazy and physically assulted my mom, my dad stepped in the middle and got my mom out, there were a lot of harsh words said by Betty, she blammed my mother for making grandpas suffer while waiting for her daughter to get there etc. At first I blammed it on grief, but as this story unfolds I would discover that the women my grandfather was married to had an evil side that no one expected.
TO BE CONTINUED
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Even though this is totally not related to anything, I have to get this off my chest. I love my job, I really do but I am at a point where I feel like I am not going anywhere there is no room for promotion, and the enviroment can be a bit challenging. If you have ever seen the movie Office Space, you will understand where I am at. We have 5 bosses, We have MS who is the president/co owner of the company, RS who is the Vice President of the company/marketing/my boss and he is also the brother of MS. RA who is over the Refrigeration dept. SH who is in charge of the cooking depart and JS who is the Vice president of Operations/warranty supervisor and in general a big pain in the butt to say the least.
Ok well SH has a son who works in the cooking department who is just as bad as SH, well SH has a habit of being very demeaning and tends to insult and make fun of people on a regular basis, it has gotten to the point where I dread the days when he is in the office. I have been called a bad mother on numerous occasions (mind you this guy does not know me outside of work) he makes fun of people when they make an honest mistake, he does not forget any mistake ever made and if he makes a mistake it is always someone elses fault. He is rude and inconsiderate and honestly I am finding it harder and harder to handle his remarks, I know I know I should say something right, well guess what I have and it did nothing except piss him off more. Everyones standpoint on him is that he is VERY good at what he does therefore we just need to get used to him and grow tough skin.
I guess that I am not used to that kind of behavior I mean, what gives him the right to talk to me that way, to tell me that I am a bad person because I had the stomach flu and called in sick (I don’t call in all that often-unless the little one is sick) so now he Has been walking around pretending to cough saying “im sick” indicating that I was not really sick yesterday, yet I was able to provide a doctors note to my boss. I guess maybe I am over reacting a little but it gets old after a while.
Oh and another thing, the language around this place OH MY it is horrid, I hear so many things on a daily basis, for example about 30 seconds ago the guy in the next office says while on the phone with someone, “is the rumor true, joe got fired for screwing the bosses wife?” I mean really is that information that the whole world really needs to know.
Okay I am done venting for now, but I am still very irritated today and really cant wait for the day to end.