I know I know...

Okay so as most of you have noticed, I have not been posting on this blog...
I made yet another change...

http://www.soldiertomother.wordpress.com/

it seems easier for me to use because I have the moble app that works so much better. I still follow all of you throught google reader! I am trying to be a better blogger, by commenting and encoarging. Love you all!

Changes...

I am going to be revamping my blog for a few I am no longer TTC and I am just a mommy. I will still follow each one of you as your journeys continue, but because on the inside I am still really wanting another little one, it is getting harder and harder to always read about TTC stuff. I want to start writing about things that I enjoy, things that we do as a family, I want to write about my weight loss journey, and things that go on in daily life. I want people to follow me and comment on us as this is such a great support network for me. I really belive that the only way to do that is to start the change… I am so sadded by this but it is also a time to grow. A time to expand… I love you all please do not think that I do not want to hear about your journeys.

Love Always,

Heather

10 Years Ago

73 days before this day 10 years ago, I signed a contact that would change my life forever. I enlisted in the US Army, I signed up thinking that I would do my time and serve my country never thinking that a 73 days later I would be called into action while still in High School. On the morning the Towers fell soldiers around the country knew that we would be asked to fight for those that died that day. Never did I imagine that I woul dbe forever changed, that I would serve with brave men and women who will never see their children grow, never again will they be able to wake up and feel the touch of their loved ones. Today I remember my fellow brothers and sisters in green that fought the war on terrorism, nor will I forget those who lost their lives to selfless acts of Sept. 11, 2001...

Where were you that day?



This picture is a picture of a picture- My Basic Training Platoon in July of 2002

Life is Life

I suppose I should fill you all in on what has been going on lately, first of all in my Resolve group there have been multiple successes which makes me very happy. My dear friend for Ambition Mother Hood is PREGNANT! Whoo Hoo. I am so happy for her. She has an ultrasound coming up I am excited to know if she is having multiples as her first Beta was pretty high.

Ethan went with the hubby to Iowa last week and had some really great daddy and son bonding as well as some time with Grandpa, (pictures coming soon) Ethan made some new friends while in Iowa. I joined the boys on Thursday, Ethan was so happy to see me. I missed him so much! We had a blast we went fishing, to the water park, to the races and we played outside it was a lot of fun.

Photography is going wonderfully! I shot a wedding of my dear friend Ali She was beautiful. I will post some of those pictures soon as well. I have been doing a lot lately and I have a shoot this weekend.

On the baby front no news, I am still not ok with being done but who knows what will happen, we cannot afford to get the hubby’s surgury so who knows what will really happen.

The most exciting thing that has been happening I have to say is that I started to COUPON! Yes Coupon, am I going totally extreme? No, not really but I am the crazy coupon mom that goes in with a big blue binder, and I am constantly searching for coupons. I have been doing pretty well, I am average between 65-70% savings during every trip and I have gotten some great free stuff, but that is a post on its own. I will be writing that soon!

All in all life is life and it is what it is. J

Puzzle Pieces

Have you ever had a puzzle that is missing some pieces in different spots? That is how I have been feeling but I am slowly starting to pick up the pieces, I am not going to lie and say that it is easy because in reality it is not. I have been having a really hard time with things, but I am getting better everyday. I will get there one day.


Ethan is doing well he is so smart and an amazing little boy. So happy all the time except when he is tired. I took him to the county fair yesterday and he had so much fun.

"dud your spud"

He did such a good job!

He competed in a Watermelon Eating contest

Painted our face

Took a picture with a Llama

We had a great time at the fair!

9.5 years

The Five Year Plan,  Now that we have decided that having a second child is out of the cards for us. I have been working all weekend on trying to figure out what to do with myself. There has not been a time when I wasn’t dealing with pregancy, miscarraige infertiilty, it has always been there… I figured it out over the last 9.5 years (3458 days) we have:  

 So now that we are at a point where this particular journey is over, I have decided that I will really start working on my goal of building and opening a profitable store front Photography studio. Even though my personal mission of having a second baby is out the window, I am going to be really focusing on my Resolve Group. I feel like I was given my journey so that I could help those ladies, and if I really only help one of them then my job is done (all though I would like to help more). I am going to start focusing on my family and creating timeless memories, I am going to focus on getting my photography business up and running. I am going to focus on me, I need and want to get healthy I want to get back in shape, I want to feel good about myself again.

HAPP BIRTHDAY BABY BOY

I can not believe that I am writing this post. Has it really been two years since I held you for the first time? Have you really gone from this teeny tiny baby to an active no fear, fun loving toddler?

Ethan,

You are amazing in everyway, you light my life everyday. You are learning to talk learning new things everyday! You have made me so complete. I love you little buddy! Happy Birthday!

Happy Fathers Day!

My Dad, is the most amazing man I know, for those of you who do not know, my parents were divorced when I was young, and my mom married my step dad when I was 13, in the last 15 years, he has been the most remarkable dad. I love you dad!



My dad holding my son the day after he was born.

Reflection

It truly is amazing how life puts us in situtations that we don’t understand at the time but later life it becomes clear, that we suffered before so that we could help someone later.  I am not sure if there is a single reason that I have fought my fight, but I am finding that my fight had a purpose. My fight was meant to make me a stronger person. I have always been the rock of my family and that continues still today, but I am beginning to understand why.  I dealt with a touch childhood so that I would have unmatched faith in God, I served my country so that I could stand up proud, I dealt with infertility so that I could help others.  Without all of those things, I would not be who I am. I am embracing me today. I am an amazing women!

struggling with discpline

I am so stuck right now! I do not know what way to go when it comes to correcting Ethan and enforcing the rules. No one really knows this but I was severely abused and as child not by my mom but a former step parent and I have to say that it is always in the back of my mind. My husband is amazing,but he was raised in the country where a belt did the talking. I have so many mixed feelings on the issue of discpline.

1. Spanking: I think that yes there is a time and a place for it but not until the child is old enough to understand what does and does not warrant a spanking. On the flip side, because I was abused I would never want my child to have to feel that sort of pain, so I would never spank.
2. Time outs- Yeah we have been trying them and they worked great at first but now Ethan puts himself into time out (it is really cute) but he thinks they are fun now and it does not correct the issue.
3. Re-direction This has never worked for Ethan, he is very stubborn and will continue to go back to what ever he was doing that he shouldnt be doing no matter how many times I correct him.

Those are the 3 main things that I have in my arsonal, maybe it is just the age and he will chill out sometime by the time is 18 or maybe I am doomed I dont know. I wish that I had the answers. It makes me wonder if I would be capable of handling 2 kids. I mean I feel like I have lost control of Ethan and he is not even 2 (13 days) I guess I will just keep trying and keep praying that someday i will learn the answers.

Suggestions are welcome...

OWEEE!!!

I joined my wonderful husband on the range yesterday to do some tactical training. (he is a firearms instructor and we are both former military) We were joined by Lane, Mike and Jake all military guys, I totally out shot all of the guys it was great fun! All though karma has a way of popping up. I am so sunburned I can barely move! It hurts like crazy and I am miserable.

This is a quick post but just trying to keep my goal of posting everyday!

Summer fun

It has been pretty nice here in colorado, the sun was shinning and I had the day off so off to walmart I went to pick up a little pool for Ethan.



He was so excited, although i have to admit that water was mighty cold!



He had such a blast splashing me with the water





All in all it was a good day!

Adoption...

Adoption, it is such a wonderful thing, I have 2 people that I know one IRL and one whom I read her blog, and someday we will hopefully be IRL friends! Anyway, they have both been matched and are both currently expecting little girls. I am so excited for both of them  In honor of their adoptions I am going to be offer free photography sessions for adoption families, I am so excited to offer this! So congrats to you both!

Well today is cd30 and still no sign of AF. I will be calling my doc tomorrow and try and get in for a blood draw at lunch. I hope they can get me in. Hopefully they will call in some Prometrium so that I can get the script filled I will keep you posted.

Picture Post

This post will be an overload of pictures, I have not posted pics in a while so here goes...

Okay maybe not an over load, blogger is taking forever to load these pictures... :) Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!

EMOTIONS

The battle of infertility causes so many different emotions within a person, it causes someone to be angry, sad, disappointed, anxcious etc. We feel angry that others can get pregnant just by thinking about it yet we struggle to understand why our bodies are not working. At what point does it become to much, at what point does the disappointment become too much to handle. People have told me that God will not give me more then I can handle, but how come I feel that I can not handle the disappointment anymore. I am so thrilled that others are getting their families, through adoption or pregnancy, but I am still hurting that they are getting what I want so deeply. I know that I already have a child, and I love him more then life itself, I know that some of my readers will say “you should be greatful that you have one” I am extremely greatful that I have my Ethan, but I so want another baby. I will continue to fight my fight in silence (except on here I can talk about it)

I am 5dpo today and holy emotional, I am not sure why I am so emotional. I am not sure what is going on. I am so greatful for everything that I have but I find myself struggling to get through my day today, maybe knowing that I am going to be starting AF in 10 days makes me really sad. I am not sure exactly. The husband and I have been making leaps and bounds as far as our marriage goes, we have been talking more and spending time with each other, we have been reading the Love Dare which is really opening things up for us, communication wise, although I am beginning to wonder if it is just a phase and I wonder if he is getting as much out of it as I am. We are currently on Day 5 (we have had a few days when life gets in the way) I really hope that we can make things better.

We have a meeting on Tuesday with our new churches pastor, I am very excited about this. It has been way to long since I have felt welcome in a church, I am very excited to become a member of this church. Well I guess that’s it for now…

 

Part 2

Sunday was very uneventful, and honestly it was a time to reflect and try and deal with everything that was happening, it seemed as though Grandpa would never be allowed to rest. At this point, Grandpa’s family, My Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and my Parents and us were not going to be allowed to attend the services, threats of being hauled away by the sheriff if we try to attend. I contacted the Pastor of a church that I attend occasionally, and explained to him the situation and we had planned on having a memorial service for Grandpa on our own, the out of state family made arrangements to travel to colorado. The fighting over belonging started and stopped throughout the week as at this point the only thign anybody really wanted was to be allowed to go to the services. On Tuesday we received word from Bettys daughter that our family would be allowed to attend the services on Saturday. Family started to arrive on Thursday afternoon.

Amazingly Saturday went on without any major problems, Here is what I noticed, Betty’s daughter, Kathy (she hated my grandfather with a passion) she was in tears, and making a very large show.

My Grandfathers family was scowled at and we all felt very unwelcome

Grandpa’s ashes were not there

The Pastor that perfromed the service read the Obituary directly from the paper and then gave a serman about being forgiving.

My Grandfathers Burial Flag was not folded properly I refolded that at the end of the service along with my brother in law. Not for Betty but out of respect for my grandfather.

Easter Sunday was a very good day, this is the first holiday that our whole family has been together, mind you we wish that it could have been on better terms but we were still greatful that we got to be together to celebrate Easter and the life of one the greatest men I have ever known.

Sunday night is when things got a little rough, everyone was really upset that Betty was not giving anything of Grandpas to his daughters. Grandpa was restoring an old Ford Bronco for my Aunt Dawn, and spent a lot of money doing so. My parents being that they are the only local family, got elected to fight Betty for the Bronco, My grandpa gave my parents the title to the Bronco so at least they had that, they got the Title into my dads name and went to the court house to have papers drawn up so that they could get the Bronco. Betty was served on a Thursday and on Friday she went to the court and filed for a restraining order againist my mom, saying that my mom attacked her the day after grandpa died, why did she wait almost 2 weeks to file. The court date for the Restraining order is June 6. I will keep you updated on that as things happen.

Family Drama (This post is not a happy post reader beware)

April 15, 2011 10:30pm If you know my dad he is a retired firefighter, and after 45 years of being required to listen to a pager and scanner 24 hours a day 7 days a week he stills listens to it and he has been retired for 2 years now. I decided to stay the night at my parents house, we were going to a craft fair on the 16^th, just us, Ethan was going to stay with papa. At 10:30 I heard the scanner page for a medical call, but I pain no mind to it, after all it was not anyone I knew. I was so wrong in that statement. A few minutes later my mom came in and told me the call was at Grandpas house and that he had a heart attack. I got up and my mom and I sat listening glued to every word that was said on the scanner, dad got in the car and had gone out there as soon as he heard the call. Pretty soon, we hear them asking for flight for life, my moms phone rings and it was my dad, he is not good he says it was a stroke not a heart attack. It doesn’t look good he says. Betty- my grandmother came to our house to pick up my mom so that they could drive to the hospital that convientently was less then 5 minutes from my home, it is were I had Ethan. Almost a 45 minutes drive from my parents, one of the leading stroke hospitals in colorado. Anyway, I tried to reach the hubby and his phone was turned off, so I called the Police department and had them go and knock on our door because I was really going to need his support for this. I got home and put Ethan in his bed, and kissed him on the head and told him how much I loved him and off to the hospital I went, where the events of the next 5 hours would change my life forever.

When I got to the hospital Mom, Dad, Betty were in the waiting room waiting to be allowed to see him. I had been there about 15 minutes when the nurse allowed my mom and Betty to go back there. My dad and I talked and he said that based on his experience it would be a miracle if grandpa pulled through this- (My grandpa has pulled out of some rough stuff before)About 5 minutes later my mom came up and told us that the nurses would allow all of us to be in the room, at that point I started to realize that I was going to be saying goodbye to my hero. ( I will tell that story someday) When we walked into the room it was such an erie feeling. The doctor came in and told us that Grandpa had a massive stroke and the blockage was so large that it caused the artery in his brain to “burst” doc expalined that there was really no chance of survival and that if my some miracle he did survive he would not be able to talk, walk or do anything for himself. My grandpa was a proud man and he would not have been able to live like that. The doctor told us that we would have to make the hardest choice, keep him alive on machines or let him go. I made the phone call to my sister at about 1:30 am telling her she needed to get to the hospital asap, she lives an hour away. During this time the choice had been made to remove life support, For the next hour we were able to talk to him and hold his hand and say good bye. Up until about 2:30 his heart rate would spike when we talked to him, but it leveled out around 2:30 and never spiked again. My sister arrivied at 2:45 and came in and said her goodbyes, At 3:00 am surrounded by my mom, myself, my sister and Betty, Life supporting maesures were removed. That was the longest 27 minutes of my life. Something that I wish I would not have seen, but at the same time I am greatful that he was surrounded by people who loved him. We stayed with him for a little while and I said a prayer for him. I felt like I was abandoning him when we left him. I went home as did my parents, sleep was impossible.

This is where the story gets interesting a turn in events. Betty got an appointment with the funeral home at 2:30pm on the 16^th the sameday that he had passed. My parents told Betty that they would pick her up at 1:30. Now you have to understand that Betty was not always the nicest person to my mom or any of her sisters, and honestly a lot of things have come out of the wood work since grandpa has been gone about how evil she really was. My parents arrivied to pick her up and were discussing options etc, Now there are 2 daughters of my grandfather that live in California, the big argument all morning had been what to do with grandpa, cremation or burial. Also as to what day to have the services, The Daughters in CA were not going to be able to get here before Thursday so the hope was to have the services on Sunday. The 3 daughters wanted him buried while Betty wanted him cremated anyway… Betty and mom were discussing this when my mom made the comment, that she didn’t care as far as his remains, but would really like to have the services on Saturday so that her sisters could make it. At this point betty went crazy and physically assulted my mom, my dad stepped in the middle and got my mom out, there were a lot of harsh words said by Betty, she blammed my mother for making grandpas suffer while waiting for her daughter to get there etc. At first I blammed it on grief, but as this story unfolds I would discover that the women my grandfather was married to had an evil side that no one expected.

TO BE CONTINUED

ARE U SERIOUS

Even though this is totally not related to anything, I have to get this off my chest. I love my job, I really do but I am at a point where I feel like I am not going anywhere there is no room for promotion, and the enviroment can be a bit challenging. If you have ever seen the movie Office Space, you will understand where I am at. We have 5 bosses, We have MS who is the president/co owner of the company,  RS who is the Vice President of the company/marketing/my boss and he is also the brother of MS. RA who is over the Refrigeration dept. SH who is in charge of the cooking depart and JS who is the Vice president of Operations/warranty supervisor and in general a big pain in the butt to say the least.

Ok well SH has a son who works in the cooking department who is just as bad as SH, well SH has a habit of being very demeaning and tends to insult and make fun of people on a regular basis, it has gotten to the point where I dread the days when he is in the office. I have been called a bad mother on numerous occasions (mind you this guy does not know me outside of work) he makes fun of people when they make an honest mistake, he does not forget any mistake ever made and if he makes a mistake it is always someone elses fault. He is rude and inconsiderate and honestly I am finding it harder and harder to handle his remarks, I know I know I should say something right, well guess what I have and it did nothing except piss him off more. Everyones standpoint on him is that he is VERY good at what he does therefore we just need to get used to him and grow tough skin.

I guess that I am not used to that kind of behavior I mean, what gives him the right to talk to me that way, to tell me that I am a bad person because I had the stomach flu and called in sick (I don’t call in all that often-unless the little one is sick) so now he Has been walking around pretending to cough saying “im sick”  indicating that I was not really sick yesterday, yet I was able to provide a doctors note to my boss. I guess maybe I am over reacting a little but it gets old after a while.

Oh and another thing, the language around this place OH MY it is horrid, I hear so many things on a daily basis, for example about 30 seconds ago the guy in the next office says while on the phone with someone, “is the rumor true, joe got fired for screwing the bosses wife?”  I mean really is that information that the whole world really needs to know. 

Okay I am done venting for now, but I am still very irritated today and really cant wait for the day to end.  

“BUILDING” GIVEAWAY

Hi everyone as you will all learn I am battling secondary infertility! I would love to build up my blog to be a place that I can find support and friends that are in similar shoes as I am.  As you can read in my Journey story I came a long way to have my wonderful little one Ethan!

We are doing this on our own my family knows nothing about our journey to concieve this baby, as they are not very supportive. While my husbands loves the idea of having another child he is not as “into” the infertility treatments, and he doesn’t understand the ache of my heart because I so desperately want another little one to love.  So I go to my blog, I follow a lot of blogs and while I may not be the best commenter I love reading the stories and I pray for you all everyday! 

Now to the give away!

In order to help me build up my blog I am going to be doing a give away! I picked this braclet because everyone should follow their dreams regardless of what the dream is, be it having kiddos or going to school, publishing a book what ever the dream follow it!

All ya gotta do is leave me a comment with your blog,  mention my blog on your blog with a link back here( leave me a comment with your link), then start following me (leave me a comment letting me know you are following)…  that is 3 chances to win! Cant wait to meet you all!

Whirl Wind

That is what life has been recently! OMG goodness, with an active 20 month old and trying for another one life does not seem to slow down. I cannot believe that it is already March! That means that Ethan will be 2 in just four months! Where does the time go?

On the Resolve front, the last two meetings have been great! I have had a total of 10 ladies although nobody from last month came this month, but it was really good to know that people are reaching out for support on the TTC journey. 
When I think about our Journey I wonder where we would be if we would not have walked this journey.  I am greatful for the journey that I have walked, I am greatful for our little angels in heaven may they continue to watch over Ethan and our future child.

Meeting of the minds

I had a meeting with my ob/gyn on Tuesday, and while I love him in general i am not sure that he is really hearing me. I feel like he has done this so many times that he just says take clomid have sex get pregnant, could it really be that easy?  I asked him what our protocal for this month take 1 baby asprin everyday, take clomid 50mg from day 3-7 ultrasound on day 14 to check for follicles, on day 18-25 progestrone check if it low start progestrone. I am going to be working out as much as i can because i know that my weight has a lot to do with my infertility issues. I am going to try to eat healthy and just find my zen...

Is it Worth it?

I married my husband 8 years ago! I was 18 and he was 28! I love him beyond words but I just cant seem to make the man happy! He is always stressed out and all he wants to do is play video games and then anything with firearms. He seems so distant but when i mention it to him he does just says "everything is fine" stop worrying but I am at a point where I feel like I am not happy. I am just so lost and I want to find out what is going on with him. I know that I have gained a lot of weight and a lot of the time I just were a t-shirt and jeans, but i have no self confidence, that was gone a long time ago.  I just feel so alone. I guess I am just venting but I dont know what to do anymore.

IM BACK!

Here is the long needed update.

WE MOVED- As of the middle of Dec Hubs and I got a new home! Yeah! We are blessed by the Boll family! We are very happy that we have a place we can really call home. Here are the details. It is a 3 bedroom home with 2 bath and a huge backyard. We painted Ethan’s room a creamy muslin color and we will be painting the living room a spanish chestnut color. I will have pictures up soon. Our kitchen is small but it works, it is a awful green color we will be trying to find a color for the kitchen in the near future.  There is gorgeous wood work through out the whole house that is amazing! I love it! We will  have a blast this spring, getting the yard and a new veggie garden going! We are planning on planting tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash and green onions. We are very blessed and very happy that we are in a home that we can rasie our family.

Military Updates- Pvt Krystal Boll has been promoted and she had graduated Basic Training and is now well on her way to graduating, AIT. She has been assigned to Korea, she will go there after she completes AIT and Airborn school.

Our good friend Jake, just reenlisted into the Army after serving in the Airforce- He is leaving for Basic Training in February. He is going to be a Reservist for a little while and then he wilL transfer to active duty. He has a wife and a handsome little boy names Skylar. Be sure to keep them in your prayers as it is always hard to be away from your family. (even if it is just training)

Ethan Update- I cant believe that he is 18 months old, it seems like just yesterday he was a just a little teeny baby, now he is a running, yelling lovable happy toddler! He is amazing, he learns new things everyday.  We have our 18 month appointment next week and in march we have an endocronology appointment in March, we need to find out why he is not growing, he has been around 22 pounds and 29.5 inches tall since he was 12 months old. He now says mama. Dada more milk and banana- nana